Monday, October 27, 2008

My Pet, Peeves!

As the dinner conversation turned to pet peeves, I thought, "Boy! Do I have a lot to contribute to this conversation!" I am easily annoyed and, therefore, full of pet peeves. But, alas! I found myself at a total loss to come up with even one witty comment when put on the spot.

Eventually I eeked out a few weak attempts with some not-so-clever peeves, but I was greatly disappointed in my lack-luster results. (Could it be that I was in the midst of what might arguably be called one of the most important dinner meetings of my career? Could it be that I was trying to follow conversations to my right, to my left and straight ahead as well as trying to respond to the waiter?)

Since that dinner just a few evenings ago, I have come up with a rather lengthy list of pet peeves. Just so you know, I took the liberty to borrow a few from the conversation. I also have included some that as soon as I heard others say them, I knew in my heart that I felt the same and could legitimately claim them as my own. Since this may be a long, boring list, I will categorize them for you.

PET Peeves

  • "Don't worry. She won't bite." I'm worried. Past performance is not a guarantee of future behavior. Her growling, snarling and bared teeth concern me.
  • "Oh, look! He likes you." Explains why your dog is doing that to my leg.
  • "Don't worry. Dogs mouths are cleaner than humans." Don't make me explain this one.
  • "He's just checking you out." I'm REALLY not comfortable with him sniffing me there.
  • "Spot, don't jump on her. You'll get mud all over her beautiful new coat." Too late.
  • "Don't worry about him shedding on you. I've just come to regard cat hair as an accessory." I'm worried. It doesn't go with my outfit.
  • "Kitty, get off the table. How many times do I have to tell you not to lick the ice tea glasses. Bad kitty!....OK, everyone, we can sit down to eat now."

  • "How are you?" is a greeting. It is not an invitation for an organ recital. (My stomach has been giving me problems. I've been having chest pains. You know I had surgery 12 years ago, right? etc. etc.)
  • "How much did you pay for it?" Take note: Unless you are an extremely close friend, the answer is always, "Why do you need to know?"

  • Smacking and eating noises irritate me. Crunching sounds do, too--even though I know they are unavoidable at times. (Smacking and slurping are totally avoidable. Don't do it around me...please.)

  • Stupid. I can handle 'not smart,' 'uneducated' and 'dense.' Don't be stupid when you can help it.
  • Women who think they can stand up to tinkle and spray golden drops all over the toilet seat. I actually confronted one of these as she left the stall one day. Turns out she was much bigger and meaner than I had anticipated. I don't recommend confrontation.

  • Talking about sports like it matters. People are starving in the world and you are spending time not only watching, but talking about sports. Get a life! Go shopping!

  • Dirty coats with paw prints.

  • Turtlenecks.

  • Nylons with sandals.

  • Dirty exposed bra straps.

  • Clothes that are too little...or too big, for that matter.

  • Clothes that are unkempt. (Except if you are Gregory House, MD...then they are kinda sexy...but you aren't and they're not.)

  • Do rags. Should never be done.

  • Dirty or tattered undershirts that show with your top button unbuttoned.

  • People who obviously go out in public without consulting a mirror. That's a no-no!

  • This list could go on indefinitely.


  • "Hello, this is Joy Kilgore. May I speak with Mr. Smith, please?" "Of course, one moment please." (Hold music. Hold music.) "May I tell him what this is in regard to?" "I'm returning his call." (Hold music. Hold music. Hold music.) "I'm sorry, Joy. He's not in his office. Would you like his voicemail?"

  • Director of First Impressions - This is OK for a job description. It is OK to use this phrase to explain to the person how important her job is. It is a dorky and demeaning job title.
  • Unreturned emails and phone calls that need a response.

  • That I am so easily annoyed.

  • I can't think of someone's name when I'm standing there talking to them.

  • The word I need escapes me.

  • Three clocks in my house--all supposedly set by radio signal to THE atomic clock somewhere in Denver (or is it Denmark?). Three clocks, three different one minute thirty-six seconds.

  • Wait staff in restaurants who join in my conversation.

  • Having my dinner interrupted (and delayed) because everyone the entire restaurant staff must stop what they are doing to sing "Happy Birthday" to you...or you...or even me. It doesn't matter who. I refuse to join in the festivities.

  • Fingerprints around the edge of my plate when served to me in a restaurant. Find some way of placing my plate on the table without touching it, please.

  • I don't care who you are or where you are...I don't want to see you clip your nails or floss your teeth....ever!!

  • People who bring smelly food onto the airplane. (Don't get me started on airplane peeves.)

  • Bluetooth gadgets sticking out of your ear.

  • Texting on your cell phone during a performance that I paid $100 a seat to attend. The light on your phone is distracting. Pay attention to the performance. That's what you came for.

  • Talking on your cell phone while in the checkout line. These lines are stressful enough for me. I always lose my bet on which lane will move the fastest.

  • People who gripe and complain and are easily annoyed at little things.

Don't be offended if you fall into one of these peeve categories. People I love the very most in the world are offenders, too. (Peeves would actually be a good name for a pet, don't you think?)


Anonymous said...

Hi Joy, are you expecting this problem of remembering names and words to get better? Just so you won't be disappointed, I feel quite sure it isn't going to. The more times you hear them sing Happy Birthday to you seems to affect that! (So I have been told) Lv ya

Sara said...

You can't STEAL people's pet peeves!!

Joy said...

Oh, but I can. And I did. It wasn't really that hard either!

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