Food in the Dressing Room

TASTEFULLY

FASHIONABLE

The next time you are out in public, take a few minutes for people-watching. We hear continually that America is suffering an obesity crisis. A casual observance will prove to you that this premise leaves no room for debate – like, say, global warming.

Let’s start with us girls. We have problems with numbers. I’m not talking about smart stuff like mathematics, physics and calculus. I’m speaking here about plain old simple numbers. Three digit numbers, max.

First, we cannot face the number that represents the measure of years we have existed on earth—our age. Second, we avoid an honest confrontation with the number that presents itself on our bathroom scales—our weight. And, finally, we struggle with the little tags sewn inside our garments—our dress size.

There was a time that, when our clothes no longer fit, we moved up to the next size. I will admit, it was with a strong reluctance, but we did it. We made the move, not only in the interest of comfort, but also for sake of appearances.

It seems both these reasons are no longer deemed to be more important than the magic number. You now see size 14 butts squeezed into size 8 jeans. Extra large upper bodies are barely covered with size Small mid-riff exposing tank tops; and 42-G jugglies are forced into 34-D bras.

However, as American women, we are resourceful. We have come up with the solution to our problem. No, the answer does not lie in “What Not to Wear.” Stacy and Clinton insist upon purchasing clothing that actually fits. What fun is that?

We decided instead to name these various bulges; thereby giving them credibility, and ultimately, acceptance.

Let me introduce you to the “‘shroom.” (You may have also heard this referred to as the “muffin top.”) “’shroom” is derived from the word mushroom. You, of course, see the similarities in the geometric design of these grocery items. You see this new look everywhere. It has become quite the rage. Almost anyone can have a ‘shroom. This fashion statement can be achieved even by those skinny-minnies who are determined to fit into a size 0. Here’s how it works: You buy low-rider jeans or shorts so small that you have to suck in air from your lower abdomen, lie down on the dressing room floor and have a friend help you fasten and zip them up. Your friend must then help you back to your feet (sometimes with the assistance of a crane). If gravity does its job correctly, you will have this bulge of skin (if you are very thin) or flab (if you are not) that hangs over the waistband of your garment. This is called a ‘shroom.’ It is acceptable now to not only sport a ‘shroom,’ but to wear it proudly exposed or covered by a thin tight T-shirt.

I would like to establish some additional food groups into our wardrobe.
Focaccia Bacon Bun – This treat of a term adds a touch of Parisian sophistication to the look that incorporates the boob bulge on top with the next layer tightly bound by a too-tight bra sitting on the resulting bulge supported by a ‘shroom. This is, of course, wrapped in a carefully selected tank top borrowed from a prepubescent 10 year-old brother. For an added touch of elegance, add short shorts that accentuate the prominent fullness of the thighs. Ah-ha! Let’s call these Buffalo Drumsticks.

Cottage Cheese – You know where I’m headed! There is no shame in cellulite, though the cosmetic industry has tried to make us think so. I say it’s time to fight back. Let’s name it for a respectable snack and end the torture so we can quit fighting and proudly display all 50 pounds of it. Cottage Cheese. Now that we have named it, let’s accentuate it. Wear those polyester pants so tight that no one could miss all the nooks and crannies. Throw in a thong for an extra lump. Better yet, just expose it. Don’t give up those short shorts and French cut bikinis! Cottage Cheese with ‘shrooms and Buffalo Drumsticks. Mmmm….makes one’s eyes water just to visualize it.

Remember the vanilla cake with chocolate swirls? I’m thinking we no longer need be embarrassed by stretch marks, varicose veins and plastic surgery scars. Let’s call these “Marbling” and make them fashionably exposable.

So, next time you are at the mall, take time to look at the walking fashion menus there. Perhaps you will be the one who names the next new look. Please send me your suggestion for the next “Tastefully Fashionable Selection.”

As for me? I’d like to suggest two of my favorite fashion rules:

* If it jiggles, cover it – loosely.
* Purchase a full-length mirror – and use it often.

I’ll write more later. My hair stylist is waiting to cover my roots in a deliciously tantalizing color we affectionately call “Warm Chocolate Carmel Latte.”