It Wasn't Santa Claus

We always enjoy Christmas. Ok, not always, but pretty much. I shop and spend money just hoping to please everyone. I wrap gifts at the last minute. I put up a tree purely out of guilt and obligation. I slave for hours over the food in the hot kitchen with my itsy-bitsy oven. Then I subject myself to ridicule over burned food. This year, it was not only the biscuits, but the coffee cake. I think I sneaked that one by, however, because I removed the entire bottom of the cake before I put it out on a plate. But not the biscuits. They noticed the biscuits.

I well remember the year that I did not burn the rolls. (Hey! There's a lot going on around roll-time. I just forget about them until I smell them...burning.) Anyway, one year I did not burn the rolls. This is memorable because one of the kids asked, as he buttered the golden lump of bread, "Hey, Mom! Where's the black stuff we're supposed to peel off the bottom?"

This year was pretty normal. After a lovely brunch with burned biscuits, we cleaned up the kitchen, read the Christmas story (the one about Jesus--remember it?), opened our gifts and played some games.

As the crowd began to disperse into different rooms, I heard the front door open and a woman's voice exclaim, "Suprise! We're here! Merry Christmas!"

I was surprised. I wasn't expecting anyone. Nor did I recognize the man and woman standing in my entry way bearing many, many gifts. I welcomed them cordially and wished them a Merry Christmas.

My husband came in from the kitchen. He smiled, greeted them cheerfully and wished them a Merry Christmas as well. I looked to him for introductions figuring they must be someone from his work, clients of his or someone he knew from church. He looked to me for introductions, assuming she must be one of my friends from my "PMS Group" as he calls it. My son thought I had invited yet another homeless family over to share this blessed occasion.

The lady apparently thought we were guests in this lovely home. She looked around for an awkward minute or so. Finally she said, "You know what? I think we're in the wrong house. I'm supposed to be at my brother's house and you're not my brother. I don't recognize this house."

Her husband turned around without a word and went back to the car.

We directed her next door to her brother's house while encouraging her to leave the gifts with us.

She didn't.

Don We Now Our Gay Apparel

“I want to look chic, but casual.”
“I want the room to light up when I enter.”
“I want to stand out, but blend into the crowd.”

December is the big party season that technically ends with the popular New Years Eve celebration. People often ask my opinion about how to dress for the holidays. There are many social events, parties, and obligatory appearances. You can’t possibly wear the same outfit to two occasions because, as we all know, people overlap at these functions.

Let’s rule out a few things before we get started. There are to be absolutely no sweaters, sweatshirts or other apparel adorned with embroidered, appliquéd or knitted Christmas trees, presents or even Santa himself. Return these clothing items to the back of the closet where you have kept them for eleven out of twelve months for the last 25 years.

Let’s also exclude Frosty the Snowman and manger scenes. I’m not opposed to any of these symbols. In fact, I embrace them on my tree and on my holiday cards. They do not belong on my body…or on yours.

Unless you are guiding Santa’s sleigh, lose the reindeer antlers. They are not funny or cute on adults. Trust me. Oh, sure, people laugh when they see you wearing them. Think about that for a minute.

You may wear green or red. Not both. That particular color combination is reserved for Santa’s elves. You must show your North Pole ID when pairing these traditional colors. Don’t have North Pole credentials? That’s what I thought. Sorry.

Here’s what to do: Be festive. Sequins and sparkly accessories are great when used appropriately and in moderation. Be generous with your earrings—go for the dangly ones! Shiny necklaces and bracelets will brighten that basic black, red or winter white dress.

Spruce up! Whiten your teeth. Nothing adds sparkle like a glistening and genuine smile. Buy a new shade of lipstick. Get a manicure and pedicure. Do something special with your hair. Add a few curls. Pull one side back. Wear it down if you usually wear it up. Wear it up if you usually wear it down.

Panty hose—to wear or not to wear? It’s a special occasion. Wear them with closed-toed or peep-toed heels. Never, ever wear them with strappy sandals or fully open-toed pumps. You’ve been wondering, haven’t you? Now you know. This is not seasonal, by the way.

Start early. Thirty minutes before the party is too late to discover that the damp air in your closet shrunk last year’s party dress and it no longer fits. Above all, wear clothes that fit correctly and comfortably. It’s also too late to realize that you dropped frosting on your favorite blouse and forgot to take it to the dry cleaners after last year’s New Years’ Eve party.

Guys, I must have a quick word with you. No neckties that play music or scream obscenities. No red socks with snowflakes. No red socks. No white shoes. No trousers printed with Christmas trees or reindeer. I don’t care if Ralph Lauren has his insignia on them. He was joking. He can’t believe you fell for it. No black socks with brown shoes. Shoes and belt must match. If you aren’t sure, ask someone who knows. Your dog doesn’t know.

Once again, those ageless rules to which we must all adhere: If it jiggles, cover it loosely. Never ever leave home without a 360-degree turn in front of your full-length mirror.

Stand up straight; shoulders back; chin up and enjoy the season feeling confident that you look good and feel great about yourself.

(I was asked by my good friend Shari Wilson to write this article for KISS magazine. If you live in Hampton Roads, be sure to pick up a copy!)